A Pretty Barber and A Slimy Judge
by JDeppIsMyLovely
Summary: Ever wonder what Sweeney was thinking the first time he tried to kill the Judge? Well now you can know! Sweeney's thoughts written as they popped into his head during the lovely rendition of Pretty Women!


**Hello Everyone! I know I have been lacking a bit in my latest of these but this one is GOOD! I've had someone confirm that fact so stop reading this and go read Sweeney's thoughts as he "Half shaves" (which is what I call it) the Judge!**

Oh, P.S. **Bold type= The Judge, **Plain Text= Sweeney, _Italicized= Sweeney's thoughts _**_and bold italicized= Sweeney and Judge_** **It's a bit complicated but since you've probably seen the movie I have faith you can figure it out ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this song or his thoughts would have been listed in the Bonus Features section of the DVD. :)**

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><p>What can I do for you today sir?<p>

_Smash your skull in?_

Stylish trimming of the hair?

_Slit your throat and empty your jugular?_

Soothing skin massage.

_Mangle your body until it is no longer recognizable? _

Sit sir. Sit.

_I'll surprise you._

**You see sir a man infatuated with love**.

_Love for himself_

**Her ardent and eager slave. **

_Slave of love perhaps? How awkward…and I mean for the other person._

**So fetch the pomade and pumice stone**

_You're definitely going to need more than that to look even remotely not repulsive…_

**and lend me a more seductive tone**

_You? Seductive? That's a good one! And I've quite the seductive tone BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!_

**a sprinkling perhaps of French cologne but first sir I think a shave.**

_Couldn't agree with you more_

The closest I ever gave

_This calls for whistling *whistles*_

**In a merry mood today Mr. Todd?**

_I'll be merrier once I kill you_

Tis your delight sir catching fire from one man to the next.

_And by fire I mean STD's. I'm not questioning your sexuality or anything but you know…_

**Tis true sir love can still inspire the blood to pound, the heart leap higher. **

_Love? Is she a private prostitute or something of the sort?_

_**What more-**_

_Hey! I don't want to sing at the same time as him! My voice is too pretty to be overlapped by his. *pouts*_

_**Can man require**_

_Make it stop!_

**Than love sir**

_love is just evol spelled backwards…no point to that, just thought you should know._

More than love sir

_Symbol of love: heart. Colour of heart: red. Colour of blood: red. I only want to kill you because I care_

**What sir?**

_Haha, just kidding! I hate your guts!_

Women

_I have one who will do anything for me_

**Ah yes women**

_Not like that Mr. Dirty Mind_

Pretty women

_Are named Lucy_

Now then my friend.

_Guess who gets to kill someone? You do!_

Now to your purpose.

_Besides brightening my day! *cheesy Sweeney*_

Patience.

_I've been told it's a virtue but I haven't believed them until now._

Enjoy it.

_I _definitely_ will_

Revenge can't be taken in haste.  
><em>Mrs. Lovett said so! She may be crazy but she can have great ideas!<em>

**Make haste and in this work you'll be commended sir**

_By whom? You're going to be dead so I'm the only one who will know just how awesome I am…_

My lord…

_Why I am I calling him lord? Sweeney Todd has no master!_

And who may it be said is your intended sir?

_My vote is held firmly on prostitute._

**My ward**

_Wa-_Johanna?_ I just called my daughter a prostitute! TWICE!_

**Pretty as a rose bud**

_And not a hooker in any way, shape, or form!_

Pretty as her mother?

_Her mum was pretty… *drools*_

**Huh? What was that?**

_Oops! *wipes mouth*_

Nothing sir. Nothing.

_No that wasn't drool that was pomade… *nervous chuckle*_

Pretty women

_Good! I shall distract him with my attractive singing voice!_

Fascinating...

_How their moods can change in an instant! It's really a bit unnerving…  
><em>

Sipping coffee,

_So they can stay up all night and please me…*evil smile*_

Dancing...

_I can't dance…_

Pretty women

_Is a catchy song so far; maybe I should write it down…_

Are a wonder.

_Wonder who would sing the second part since it's obviously a duet…anyone but Anthony._

Pretty women!

_hmm, my word choice is getting boring…I need to switch up the adjective_

Sitting in the window or

_Or being stared at while they sit in the window *cough* Turpin *cough*_

Standing on the stair

_Standing and doing what? Just staring into the abyss? That's not creepy at all…I'm a hypocrite._

Something in them chills the air.

_They stare at nothing and chill the air? Witches! Burn them at the stake!_

Pretty women

_Just kidding! I wouldn't want their ghosties to haunt me; especially Mrs. Lovett's *shudder*_

**Silhouetted...**

_That's such a cool word…silhouette, silhouette…sounds fancy._

Stay within you,

_awww, eternal love!_

**Glancing... **

_don't you mean gandering? Ha, get it? Because Anthony gandered at Johanna? _

stay forever,

_Until you're served to unsuspecting customers; then you'll be gone for good!_

**Breathing lightly...**

_I prefer their breathing heavier if you get my drift… ;)_

Pretty women,

_I've said this a lot and its getting quite tiresome…_

_**Pretty women!**_

_And of course Turpin doesn't listen to my thoughts …_

Blowing out their candles or

_Or blowing something else… ;)_

Combing out their hair,

_I hope so, no in likes unruly looking hair except for that beggar woman. _

Combing out their hair then they leave

_Leave? Leave where? I'm not making much sense  
><em>

**Even when they leave you and vanish they somehow can still can remain there with you**

_Well maybe they leave you because you're a CREEPER! And a rapist! I'd get out as soon as I could if I were them._

Even when they leave

_Or you leave because a certain _someone_ sent them to Australia…_

They still are there.

_Of course. When people leave they are still there, totally makes sense. Note sarcasm._

They're there

_Remember they don't leave…just like herpes_.

Ah! Pretty women,

_Random list of the activities of pretty women, GO!_

At their mirrors,

_Ha! Their most common activity! Bet you thought of this one…think fast!_

**In their gardens,**

wha-? Fine.

Letter-writing,

_There is no way you can think of another one, I'm definitely winning this game._

**Flower-picking,**

_Hey, Flower picking is a variation of gardening! You're disqualified!_

Weather-watching.

_Gah! An obscure activity…extra points for obscurity go to Sweeney Todd!_

_**How they make a man sing!**_

_Final score: 1 point for Judge Turpin and 5,000 points for Sweeney_

_**Proof of heaven as you're living,**_

_Let's move on to a new game; it's called Sweeney Slices You With a Razor and You Die. The main objective: You slowly bleed to death and I smile like a sociopath! I bet you'll win this game no problem…_

_**Pretty women! Sir, pretty women!**_

_I'm really distracted with blood lust at the moment so I'm going to just repeat the same thing over and over and hope he doesn't catch on_

_**Yes pretty women,**_

_So far so good…_

_**Pretty women,**_

_Shiny razors! Essentially the same thing except without all the…bits._

_**Pretty women,**_

_Prepare to die and have me laugh like a maniac while it happens__**  
>Pretty women<strong>_

_DAMN IT ANTHONY! You are so inconsiderate of other peoples' plans for revenge! Barging in and twitching about Johanna when the Judge was _right there_ wasn't exactly your best idea!_

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><p><strong>You kids like it? Drop a review and let me know! :) Oh, and leave a request for the next song I should comment on seeing as I've yet to decide :) Merci!<strong>_  
><em>


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